Whenever I think of someone being 2 faced or a “Gossip”, I always picture Jr. High or High School girls. (Lord knows the boys don’t have time for that kind of drama.) They get mad…they throw some fists, get it out of their system and move on. As aggressive as that sounds, it’s less harmful than how girls handle frustration with each other. Girls are ruthless. Girls are vicious. Girls are dangerous.
I’m sure many of us can think of a time where we experienced or even actually indulged in gossip or talking about another girl behind their back when we were in school. Most girls don’t have the skill set to handle a hurtful or frustrating situation maturely and their own insecurities show up which invite the toxic behaviors to begin. My question to you today is this: As an adult woman, do you STILL demonstrate this kind of behavior?
When you have a friend group, if one person starts to speak poorly of someone they have a problem with, how do you respond?
Do you engage?
Do you add your own criticism of that person?
Do you become a “Yes Man” and agree with everything they are saying- even if you don’t actually feel that way?
Do you sit in silence (afraid of confrontation) and allow them to deconstruct someone’s character?
All of these responses are learned and show a lack of maturity. It’s "Little Her" showing up and acting like the CHILD she is. We’ve talked about responses being ingrained in our brains because we have practiced them for so long. What would Her showing up in her big adult grown woman body look like?
Here’s another example: Let’s say your sister or your friend or your aunt or your grandma or your child does something that upsets you. Again, how do you handle it? Do you act nice to their face every time you’re around them but then diss them behind their backs to other people? Do you go gripe to another family member about it? Does it just feed your angry little soul to have them join the Criticism Club or the Validate Me So I Feel Powerful Club? Once again, this is "Little Her" showing up and demonstrating her need for support when she feels mistreated or misunderstood.
These emotions we feel when we get hurt are VALID. Like I say all the time, “...it’s all about Her.” She is always going to want to make her presence known - especially when she has been wounded. The question at hand is, WHO do you want controlling your actions now that you are grown? Do you want to be a petty person who is always easily offended? Do you even REALIZE that you’re easily offended and often irritated with someone about something that didn’t go the way YOU wanted it to?
Do you want to be known as a person who gripes all the time- a "Negative Nelly"? Do you want others to have to be wary of you because you’re known to stir the pot and cause drama? Do you want others to cease going out for coffee with you because all you do is gossip about or slander other people? Do you want to always respond in an immature and childlike manner or do you want to be a healthy grown up woman who responds positively in a way that makes you proud AND encourages healthy communication?
The big question of the day is What do you want your CORE CHARACTER QUALITIES to be?
So many of you are putting in the effort to push yourself along this healing journey to become the best version of yourself. Those who are SHINY NUGGET SUBSCRIBERS are seeing huge changes in their lives by attending the “DOING THE WORK” Live ZOOM meetings on Fridays. My mind has been blown at the successes I am seeing on a daily basis. When you apply what you’re learning on a continuous basis, change is SURE to come. Deciding what you want your heart to actually LOOK LIKE is a decision only you can make.
Choosing to stop the toxic cycle and demonstrate grace and maturity takes work. I know, I know…so much work lately (but that’s how we grow.) Think of someone you know who is kind and demonstrates love and grace and mercy…someone encouraging who strives for unity instead of division. This may feel very foreign to you especially if you come from a family environment where none of these beautiful qualities were lived out. I encourage you to think of a story or a tv show character or SOMEONE who drew you to them because of their kind heart. These women, My Beloved Daughters, are those who can help heal our population. We want to be these kinds of women, don’t we?
Let’s all strive to be the women who show up in situations that have the potential to be gross and a breeding ground for toxicity, criticism, negativity and character assassination. How about bringing some words of encouragement forward in those moments such as:
-”I’m sorry you’re feeling that way about (insert name). I’d like to encourage you to talk to her instead of me. This would be the right thing to do since this doesn’t involve me. That is the most loving advice I can give. I sincerely hope you guys can come to a place of healing.”
-”Man, Sister, I am really sorry you’re having to deal with (insert toxic behavior) again and again and again by this person. How can I help you calm down and feel loved and supported in a way that is positive and not just dwelling on the actions of that person? Let’s also keep in mind that you may be misinterpreting their actions. I have not had the same experience with this person at all. Could you be seeing it through a smudgy lens?”
-”I can see how that is frustrating. I bet I might feel the same way in your shoes. Maybe you should set clear boundaries or pull back from that person/thing that is causing you such strongly negative feelings. What kind of a positive solution can we come up with instead of just sitting here ripping on them- which gets us nowhere? I’m here to help!”
Those are just a few ways to lovingly guide someone (or yourself) on a better path. We always want them to feel heard and that we see the intensity of what they are feeling. Everyone wants to be heard. However, sitting and ruminating on all the negative garbage does not bring about growth or positivity.
Grab this book - it's a quick, fun and insightful read that will give you new perspectives on friendship; how you want to show up for your friends and attract the friends that you know will show up for you.
Dash has a “go-to” list of questions that I believe holds a lot of weight in many situations in regards to choosing what comes out of your mouth:
Is it TRUE?
Is it KIND?
Is it NECESSARY/HELPFUL???? ( I think THAT one is the kicker).
Dash has another tenet that I respect so much; "It's not my story to tell".
So, I’ll leave you with that and give you some time for reflection into your own life and your actions. Who do you want to be? What do you want others to see in you? What behaviors do you exhibit that are healthy? What behaviors do you exhibit that need some attention? And finally, are you being a loving friend/sister/child by only talking out of ONE side of your mouth?
Keeping track of what you say if you’re talking out of both sides is too exhausting and really not cool. Let’s be the women that help break these icky habits that way too many women as a whole are known for. Let’s be the exception to the rule, Lovelies.
Love and Light, MM
Love this
Soooo good!!
At least I See all this 💃
Great topic!