WHEN DO I BELIEVE THE LIES?

As I continue this journey with you, my Nuggets, I am finding that many of us with mother wounds have an unhealthy trait in common.

We believe LIES.

A lot of thoughts start coming into my brain as I dive into this. It is such an impactful thing for so many of us and I believe that often, we DON’T EVEN REALIZE WE ARE DOING IT. How terrifying is that!? This has been such a longstanding 'go-to' auto-response in us that we are full on committed to believing these lies that we don’t even realize we are there…much less, how we GOT there.

Maybe you’re wondering what I am talking about. Let me give you some examples of common ones:

1. is/was my fault.

2. “They” are right about me.

3. Nothing is ever going to get better. There’s no point trying, it won’t work.

4. I’m not strong enough to do the work/keep going.

5. I’ll never be good/good enough.

Those are just a few and I want to talk about them and why our brain instantly goes to them and what we can do about that. Believing lies is NO WAY TO LIVE. It causes us to be sad, depressed, and hopeless. And most importantly of all, they are NOT TRUTH.

Personally, I do NOT want to go through life that way. I spent waaaaay too much time walking in fear and self-loathing thanks to other peoples’ faulty opinions and words that “Little Me” believed and carried them into adulthood. Now that I AM a pretty darn healthy and emotionally intelligent self-actualized adult, I refuse to give one more minute of my power away to someone who doesn’t deserve to speak their toxic words over me or about me.

The root reason that we can so easily even have these lies pop into our heads so automatically is because… guess who believed them originally? “Little Her”. She didn’t know any better because she didn’t have the logic to dispel them.

Let’s break them down one by one and take a closer look at what messages She received by her abuser(s).

1. is/was my fault. This lie would come from “Little Her” hearing accusations and criticisms by unsafe people such as: You never should have done that. Look what you’ve done. That was bad! You are bad. How are we ever going to fix this?
   

2. “They” are right about me. This lie would come from having unkind and degrading words spoken over a child either for a long time or during a crucial point of development. Little Her believed that the Authority figures were trustworthy, and therefore, spoke only truth. She learned to trust unsafe peoples’ words.
   

3. Nothing is ever going to get better. There’s no point trying, it won’t work. This lie would come from Little Her experiencing ongoing trauma where it felt as there was no end in sight and no one to help. She didn’t have long lasting happiness or a way out then and has come to believe she never will. She maybe was so beaten down mentally and emotionally that she became hopeless. If she did ever attempt to try to do something to improve her situation and it didn’t work (most likely because she didn’t have a healthy and capable person assisting her) it fueled the idea that she was helpless and that no one can be depended upon for help.
   

4. I’m not strong enough to do the work/keep going. This lie was perhaps formed in Her little brain when as a wee one, she attempted to be strong and brave in the face of her abuse. Maybe she tried to fight back or maybe she tried to hold in her tears but always eventually broke. Maybe she was brave once and stood up for herself only to be punished severely for that act. The message she received as a small child was, “ I am not strong enough to .”
   

5. I’ll never be good/good enough. This lie was perpetuated when Little Her was in an environment where she was criticized for not performing or simply not EXISTING at the level the Abuser expected. Perhaps she tried time and time again but was always deemed a failure. Another idea is that she was raised in an environment where she was neglected or ignored UNLESS she performed some arbitrary act that was deemed worthy of any small amount of praise. Because this would’ve been impossible for her to predict, she developed a form of learned helplessness around believing her true worth.

Dear ones, hear me. This is but a DABBLE in the lies we sometimes believe and while it is pretty darn sad to read, there IS HOPE. We have the capability of using our ADULT LOGIC brain. Thank Heavens for our prefrontal cortex where we can do reasoning. It doesn’t become fully mature until around age 25, which makes it pretty obvious how and why it was so easy for “Little Her” to believe the lies.

Now, back to the original question of this blog post. When do “I” believe the lies? We have already discovered that the lies were brought into our big adult woman bodies by You Know Who and that She couldn’t help it. But when do the lies show up in our lives today? The answer is pretty simple… whenever She gets hurt or when She perceives that she going to get hurt. Remember, even though you’re walking around in a grown up woman body, "Her" emotions are still YOURS and those emotions dictate many of your decisions and actions.

Think of it this way. Let’s say your boss suggests a revision of a proposal you submitted at work. “Little Her” is reminded (triggered) in a flash of the criticism she received as a child. Instant thought? “Clearly what my mom always said Is true. I’m worthless. Even my boss knows it because he thought my proposal was garbage. They think I’m a waste of an employee.” BOOM. Lie believed. See how it works? WE BELIEVE THE LIES WHEN LITTLE US GETS HURT OR PERCIEVES THAT SHE MIGHT BE HURT. It’s really quite fascinating and something we can have control over. As I have said many times on our TikTok LIVES, “Little Her” needs compassion and support. Give Her (yourself) what you didn’t have in your childhood, and I strongly and sincerely believe you will see a whole new happier side of you showing up.

Inner-Child work is so incredibly foundational to healing. I believe that doing that work in conjunction with building safe, loving and connective relationships mixed with making fun (positive) memories along the way is one of the easiest ways to make strides in your Mother Wound healing journey. You can go to my "Suggested Reading" list here. But the book that I recommend for more details about Inner-Child work is by Don Barlow - you can click here, or on the picture of the book cover and add it to your must-read list and include it in your library.

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The next time you think a less than healthy thought or demonstrate a less than healthy behavior, ask yourself what you’re feeling and try to get back to that memory where SHE felt that same way. It could probably look something like, “ When did I feel this way when I was little? Ahhhhhh, so THAT’S why I’m feeling that way right NOW.” Then lovingly remind her that she is probably not seeing the situation accurately right now. Remind her that this moment is NOT the same as back then even if it FEELS like it. Don’t let her live in LIES anymore. You both deserve to walk in truth. I love you. And I love Her.

*Just a reminder that I am doing some Inner-Child educating on the Shiny Nugget LIVES on Fridays 10-NOON (Mountain time) for Shiny Nugget Subscribers. If you’re unable to attend, you can watch the replays in your free time.

Go to 'Events' to see more about the LIVE Zoom Events and to register.