LONG LOST FAMILY

As many of you know, I just spent 3 days in Oklahoma where I reconnected with cousins on my mom’s side that I have not had contact with for almost 40 years. YES, I typed that correctly…40 years. THAT is a long time. The last time I had seen them I was 8. We are all now well into our 50s and 60s.

When my mom lost custody of me at the age of 2 ½ due to abuse and negligence, I only saw her a handful of times from then until around the age of 13 where I lost contact for several years. She was a person who really struggled in her personal life and my dad’s side of the family was all too happy to protect me from her and anyone related to her which ended up including my cousins.

I didn’t have many memories of them over the years but the ones that I did have were only pleasant. I can remember times spent in the backyard playing together. I recall our grandmother (my mom’s mom) paying us each a quarter to stand together and sing The Carpenters “Top of the World” for her neighbor. And honestly, that is about it.

Even though my memories were few, they were GOOD, and peaceful and happy. I thought about “the boys“ at various times while I was growing up but knew that the odds of me seeing them again were next to zero. They were HER relatives and all things related to her at that point were taboo. It’s sad, isn’t it, how her actions created such a huge chasm between sweet little cousins who could’ve had a whole lifetime of memory making together?

It wasn’t intentional on her part, obviously, and I’m sure she never spent any time thinking about what her actions were denying us of. The truth remains though, that it truly was a sad consequence of her instability as a mother and my paternal side of the family trying to provide protection for me. I had already suffered much physical and emotional trauma at her expense so in their kindness they kept me away from things connected to her as much as possible.

A few months ago, I began to have this deep longing inside me to learn more about my ancestors and even the more recent generations. I took stories I had heard from her into the searches I did on Ancestry.com and wondered what kind of abuse my great grandmother on her side had borne upon my grandmother and grandaunt. I recorded the names, dates, and whatever facts I could gather. All the while, my desire to know and understand continued to grow.

The more I searched, the more I realized that many of these questions were to remain unanswered but that there were still people alive who could help me with at least some of them…The Boys. And that, My Dears, was the beginning of rekindling lost relationships between the cousins. Little did I know how much I needed that.

The time I spent with my cousins (3 out of the 4 boys) was so very special and such a gift. Our time in Oklahoma was so easy. I felt instantly at ease with and a part OF them and was so incredibly grateful that they were willing to set aside time to be with me- the long lost “I wonder whatever became of Michelle” cousin. They knew NOTHING about me, my life, and ESPECIALLY nothing of what my life with her had looked like when I was tiny.

Over the course of our time together we ate, laughed, played multiple games, watched football, went to a movie, and ate some more. We also had heart to heart talks where I shared the realities of my life with my mom when little and then again when she was in my life for one year when I was 26. They allowed me to ask questions about what they knew of her history and of what their experiences were like with her when they were growing up. They showed me photos of her and my maternal side of the family.

We analyzed. We questioned. We listened. We considered. We speculated and ultimately…we conceded.

None of the answers were totally clear and much would never be able to be revealed or truly understood. We were ok with that. You can’t find something that doesn’t wish to be found.

And what was the best thing we did together? We took a risk and we CONNECTED. We took that which was taken away from us and we began building our relationship all over again. We held safe space for each other, and we sought to know each other more as adults. We took the tiny foundation of love we had as children and we began to put one brick on top of another. It is a beautiful piece of solid construction.

I sit here with tears in my eyes as I type because I am so incredibly thankful for this opportunity. One evening as Dash and I were preparing to go to bed, I simply walked in front of him and stopped abruptly. I looked up at him and said, “I found my lost family and they are GOOD, and they are safe. “Little Me” felt more complete than she had in a long time. She belonged to that side of the family, and it was SAFE. It was SAFE.

I was choked up as I hugged each of the boys goodbye. They each had brought something special to our time together and I was truly going to miss being in their presence. Promises were made to stay in touch, and I know they will be kept. It’s exactly what “Little Me” needed and I look so forward to the next time we share space and time.

How I never could have guessed 6 months ago that I would have been given this gift. I didn’t even know how much I needed it. Sometimes things are revealed to us only when the timing is right and on a need-to-know basis. I know it wasn’t by chance and in the same vein, it isn’t by chance that you’ve found Another Mother.

May I lovingly encourage you to trust the process. Take the risk of building upon this safe foundation we have created here. Perhaps you, like me, didn’t realize “Little You” needed this, yet here you are. It is GOOD and it is SAFE. Things may be left unanswered and maybe you’ll have to concede, just like I did, but you have a real chance to find your FAMILY here and we welcome you with open arms, just like my cousins did for me.

Remember, the best and healthiest family ISN’T always blood.